Six Years Ago

That’s how long it’s been since I last spoke to my oldest brother as of Saturday. It was on that exact day in 2004 that he told me to butt out of his family’s business. Since then we’ve seen each other exactly once. He didn’t speak to me then. He seemingly won’t speak to me now. My parents keep me up to date on what’s going on in his life and his family’s life. I’m Facebook friends with his only daughter, my niece. and his oldest son, my oldest nephew. Other than that, I have zero contact with his family. My aunt tried to work a reconciliation a few years ago to no avail. He said he doesn’t want to see me and doesn’t want to talk to me. I believe he will take it to the grave.

What happened? I told his son, my nephew, that my family and I did not appreciate the fact that he was living out of wedlock with his then-fiance’. They married (we were not invited and we would not have gone) and as of earlier this year are divorced. She left him for someone else I’m told. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I have no feelings of “I told you so”.

Did I mention this happened on my brother’s wedding anniversary? I’m told he’s very jealous of me and has been since I was born. He is 20.5 years older than I. He claims my family made sure I got all the breaks and he got nothing. That’s not the case. Nevertheless, you can’t tell him that.

I want to see him every time I go home. I can’t bring myself to go to his house. He might pull a gun, he might hit me, he might not answer the door, he might start in again with me. I don’t know that we’ll ever have any sort of brotherly relationship again. Like I said, it seems to me that he’s ready to take this grudge to the grave. Perhaps he wants not to do so. I don’t know. He won’t see me.

Part of my dealing with depression is processing what happened and whether or not it was a trigger for more depression or all my depression and anxiety issues. I don’t have a problem with my brother, except that he and I don’t face each other and try to reconcile. Withholding forgiveness is a very touchy subject with me because I am one that forgives. Nevetheless, it’s hard for me to forget that sad day six years ago when I cried like I haven’t before or since. My brother all but disowned me. I love him. Still do.

Kyrie eleison

– KT


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